LIFE IS NOT FAIR! 

I heard on the news the other day that some colleges and universities in the United States were setting up safe spaces for their grieving students.  They were giving them the opportunity to color, use playdough, drink hot chocolate, skip tests, and utilize therapy dogs and therapy ponies to cope with their overwhelming sadness.  What tragic loss had these students experienced you might ask.  The answer is that they were traumatized by the results of our recent election. I'm sure that these varied efforts to assist students came from a place of caring and compassion on the part of the university professionals.  The problem is that in the process these young men and women were being reinforced in their beliefs that they were emotionally fragile and unable to handle life's challenges and disappointments.

When my children were little, one of the worst things they could say to me at the time (or so I thought) was that I was not being fair. Oh, how I dreaded those words. However, it didn't really matter what I did or did not do. If it wasn't to their liking, I was guilty of the dreaded unfairness crime. I've changed my mind about the whole concept of fairness since then.

Sure, in an ideal world, it would be wonderful if everyone received "fair" treatment and justice and kindness prevailed.   However, in the real world, unfairness runs rampant.  In my life, I've experienced grief and challenging situations many times.   Good friends of mine lost three of their four young daughters to Cystic Fibrosis.  Another very dear friend was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer and passed away after aggressive chemotherapy treatment.  My OB/GYN daughter suffered two miscarriages and then had to go into work and deliver babies.  A beloved co-worker suffered and died from ALS as her young family watched her slowly lose the everyday abilities we all take for granted.    Not too many months ago, my little granddaughter was lucky to survive after being found by my son hanging with a rope wrapped around her neck on a slide, unconscious and not breathing.  Life is filled with bad things that happen to good people. They lose their jobs, their spouses, their homes, their loved ones, and more - and none of it is fair.

Sweeping unfairness from the paths of our children all of the time does them an injustice. It deprives them of the opportunity to learn to handle small disappointments, and it can create a sense of entitlement. Of course, I am not recommending sitting back and doing nothing about serious issues. However, allowing our sons and daughters the opportunity to handle the regular disappointments of life without catastrophizing them builds their resilience. When life eventually hits them with greater setbacks, they will be prepared to face them head on!

Copyright © 2016 by Holly A. Cox, L.C.P.C., C.D.C.®, 
Rosemond Certified Leadership Parenting Coach